Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Life is HARD

Life is hard. Like SO hard. I think there are very few people who would argue that. Of course there are those that would debate that it's all in your perspective. They are right, sort of. Our perspective can help us deal with the hard, but I don't think it changes the fact that it is HARD.
Life is difficult in all stages of life. As a baby it's hard because you can't do anything for yourself and you can't talk to tell anyone what it is that you need. The thing about babies is that they don't know that it's hard. As they grow, things are still hard. They have a lot of stuff to learn. They are learning to walk and talk. Fine and gross motor skills. Social mores. So many things! Sometimes they recognize that it's hard, but mostly they just do it. They have lots of support, people constantly encouraging them, helping them, picking them up when they fall. They keep going and learning.
Elementary school kids are still learning a lot as well. They are at an age when they recognize that things are hard. Math is difficult, friends can be tricky, home life requires more of them now. I look at that and would trade for that hard in a heartbeat, but for them, it is all encompassing. Their life is SO HARD. But they still have lots of people encouraging, helping and cheering them on.
Then we move into the teenage years where no one's life has ever been as hard. And no one understands. They have so many things to juggle. Still learning. Math is still hard, friends are the worst (and also the best), parents, activities, grades, chores, etc. SO HARD. They usually don't want it, but they still have a great deal of support and encouragement from the people around them.
And then we move out on our own. We go to college or get a job or both. Now we are responsible for ourselves. We have to feed ourselves, do our own laundry, make our own money, pay our own bills (hopefully you were at least doing your own laundry when you lived at home) and you still have relationships to manage, time to juggle and you are continuing to learn. It is HARD. But mom calls to check in on you, you have a night out with your friends who confirm that they too are struggling with all the hard things.

Now you're married and have some kids. And life is SO HARD. You now not only have to take care of and worry about yourself, but you also have a spouse and little people who need you. You had no idea the things that would come up! You didn't know you could be stretched this far without breaking. You didn't know you could cry so many tears, feel so alone, feel so empty and ready to give up. Maybe you keep it all bottled up and put on a brave face and no one is the wiser that you are STRUGGLING. You don't share your trials. Maybe not even with your spouse. And possibly that is making it all the more difficult and heavy to bare.
Unlike when you were a child, you don't feel like you have someone encouraging, cheering and lifting you. You don't want to "burden" others. You cut out the connections in your life.
And just like all the other times in your life, you will make it through. But wouldn't it be better to make it through quicker and easier? There is no magic potion to make our troubles go away. We have to go through them. But remember, things have been HARD your whole life. They have been preparing you. You got through them and learned. And most likely you had a lot of people helping you along the way. Don't shut out those that could and would, lighten your burden. Most often, in our adult problems, there isn't much anyone else can do to take the problem away. But knowing someone is praying for you, knowing someone will listen to you, knowing someone will help you escape for 15 minutes to grab an ice cream, can be all the difference. It can fill your cup and help you fight another day.
Each stage of our lives presents trials and challenges. But each stage of our life helps prepare us for the next stage. If we allow them to, our trials will strengthen us so that we can bare the burdens that are placed upon us. We will still feel weighed down. We will still feel that sometimes, we just can't go forward another step. That is when we need to let someone hold our load for a minute. Let ourselves catch our breath, take a rest, and then get back to it. Remember you are still learning.
Life is tough! But so are you. You have made it through so much already. You can take on whatever you are faced with.







Saturday, January 11, 2020

Are you sacrificing your relationships?

This Valedictorian speech is profound. This kid will go far. He has learned a very important lesson early in his life. I'm grateful he shared this and I hope his classmates take it to heart. Don't chase a goal at the expense of relationships. 
Remember the 16th second. 
Are we paying for things with a lack of relationship building? 
"Nothing is more important than your healthy relationships. Relationships are where we get to influence, impact and change people's lives. Your life cannot be meaningful without them."





Wednesday, January 8, 2020

You knew what you were getting into

Anyone who has ever heard "you knew what you were getting into" can probably attest that in most cases, that is not even close to being true. I think it's safe to say that no one ever truly knows what they are getting into. They might have a pretty good idea, but there are just so many variables in life that we can't ever really know how things are going to go.
I have felt that way getting married and becoming a stepmom. When it's hard and I feel like I'm drowning, most people in my life don't understand. No one has actually said those words, but what they have said has implied that that is indeed what they are thinking. "Why are you having such a hard time, it's not like you didn't know it was going to be this way?" "But that's pretty typical right?"
I'm sure I'm reading into things more than they are actually present. I think a lot of people are good about giving me grace. Realizing that I will figure it out and what I'm saying may have not been well thought out. I appreciate those people. I am figuring it out. Where my sisters in law have had 13+ years to ease into dealing with teenagers, I was thrown into the arena. While they have a mothers love for their children and love them in spite of their awfulness, I have kids who are someone else's' kids and while I love them, it is not a mothers love. Kuddos to the stepmom who truly is able to love a stepchild with a mothers' love. You are lucky.
No one prepared me for that. I had no idea it would be this way.
My friend who has 4 girls and is dealing with a very emotional house of hormones, with one being especially troublesome, would surely not agree with anyone who said, you knew what you were getting into when you decided to have kids.
You don't know if your third kid is going to have a disability. You don't know if your 2nd child is going to have a traumatic brain injury, or get cancer, or have some degree of mental illness. You don't know those things when you decide to have a family. You literally have no idea what you are getting into. And you wouldn't think of saying that to someone. At least I hope you wouldn't. So why do we say that to step-parents? We have no way of knowing that in a year the ex-wife is going to decide to move thousands of miles away. We have no way of knowing when the ex is going to let her crazy shine bright. We have no way of knowing that the teenager is going to end up hating us, just because. Just like a traditional family, there are so many things that could happen, so many things that can change in an instant. Why do we expect them to have a better handle on it, just because they knew there were kids involved to begin with?
I truly appreciate those people who don't pretend to understand, but who listen. Who sympathize. Who try to imagine what it might be like. I'd say the best example is my mom. I have only felt supported and loved by her. She is always, ALWAYS on my side. Even when I know I'm being ridiculous. She validates my feelings. She shares her experiences that might be applicable. She encourages me to keep trying, to look at it in the big picture, to think about other points of view.
So I say to you, it's okay you didn't know what you were getting into. Most people, in most situations, don't have a clue what's coming. They don't know how hard it will be. They don't know how they will react. We are all just doing the best we can, with what we've been given.

Thursday, January 2, 2020

Social activities and goals

Social

We need people! We need the interaction. We need to get outside of ourselves. Serving is an excellent way to be social and feed our spirit (double whammy). The youth struggle with social interactions. Face to face interactions. They are so used to communicating through a device they don't know how to communicate in real life. 
For more ideas go here


Goals

  1. Volunteer (animal shelter, homeless shelter, check your community calendar for other opportunities) Check out the justserve app to find service opportunities in your area. 
  2. Join a club (check with your library, school or city hall)
  3. Be more assertive https://nobelcoaching.com/emotional-skills/
  4. Improve your listening skills
  5. Improve your emotional self awareness
  6. Be more organized
  7. Sit by someone new every Tuesday
  8. Choose a relationship you would like to strengthen and make a plan for how you will do that (grandparent, parent, sibling, friend, etc)
  9. Write a letter or send a card to someone once a month
Activies
  1. Volunteer (animal shelter, homeless shelter, check your community calendar for other opportunities) Check out the justserve app to find other opportunities for service in your area. 
  2. Join a club (check with the library or city hall)
  3. Play a board or card game
  4. Make a card and sent it to someone
  5. Plan a picnic
  6. Plan a movie marathon (what will you watch, when, food, who's invited)
  7. Have a water fight
  8. Choose a community event to attend
  9. Create a scavenger hunt
  10. Read to Lincoln
  11. Serve a neighbor
  12. Send someone a box of sunshine
  13. Write to a pen-pal (soldier, child in a hospital, favorite author, missionary)
  14. Plan a family talent show

Back to School

 I like to do back to school packages for the kids. This year stumped me a little bit since they are completely online until at least Januar...