Life is HARD

Life is hard. Like SO hard. I think there are very few people who would argue that. Of course there are those that would debate that it's all in your perspective. They are right, sort of. Our perspective can help us deal with the hard, but I don't think it changes the fact that it is HARD.
Life is difficult in all stages of life. As a baby it's hard because you can't do anything for yourself and you can't talk to tell anyone what it is that you need. The thing about babies is that they don't know that it's hard. As they grow, things are still hard. They have a lot of stuff to learn. They are learning to walk and talk. Fine and gross motor skills. Social mores. So many things! Sometimes they recognize that it's hard, but mostly they just do it. They have lots of support, people constantly encouraging them, helping them, picking them up when they fall. They keep going and learning.
Elementary school kids are still learning a lot as well. They are at an age when they recognize that things are hard. Math is difficult, friends can be tricky, home life requires more of them now. I look at that and would trade for that hard in a heartbeat, but for them, it is all encompassing. Their life is SO HARD. But they still have lots of people encouraging, helping and cheering them on.
Then we move into the teenage years where no one's life has ever been as hard. And no one understands. They have so many things to juggle. Still learning. Math is still hard, friends are the worst (and also the best), parents, activities, grades, chores, etc. SO HARD. They usually don't want it, but they still have a great deal of support and encouragement from the people around them.
And then we move out on our own. We go to college or get a job or both. Now we are responsible for ourselves. We have to feed ourselves, do our own laundry, make our own money, pay our own bills (hopefully you were at least doing your own laundry when you lived at home) and you still have relationships to manage, time to juggle and you are continuing to learn. It is HARD. But mom calls to check in on you, you have a night out with your friends who confirm that they too are struggling with all the hard things.

Now you're married and have some kids. And life is SO HARD. You now not only have to take care of and worry about yourself, but you also have a spouse and little people who need you. You had no idea the things that would come up! You didn't know you could be stretched this far without breaking. You didn't know you could cry so many tears, feel so alone, feel so empty and ready to give up. Maybe you keep it all bottled up and put on a brave face and no one is the wiser that you are STRUGGLING. You don't share your trials. Maybe not even with your spouse. And possibly that is making it all the more difficult and heavy to bare.

Unlike when you were a child, you don't feel like you have someone encouraging, cheering and lifting you. You don't want to "burden" others. You cut out the connections in your life.
And just like all the other times in your life, you will make it through. But wouldn't it be better to make it through quicker and easier? There is no magic potion to make our troubles go away. We have to go through them. But remember, things have been HARD your whole life. They have been preparing you. You got through them and learned. And most likely you had a lot of people helping you along the way. Don't shut out those that could and would, lighten your burden. Most often, in our adult problems, there isn't much anyone else can do to take the problem away. But knowing someone is praying for you, knowing someone will listen to you, knowing someone will help you escape for 15 minutes to grab an ice cream, can be all the difference. It can fill your cup and help you fight another day.
Each stage of our lives presents trials and challenges. But each stage of our life helps prepare us for the next stage. If we allow them to, our trials will strengthen us so that we can bare the burdens that are placed upon us. We will still feel weighed down. We will still feel that sometimes, we just can't go forward another step. That is when we need to let someone hold our load for a minute. Let ourselves catch our breath, take a rest, and then get back to it. Remember you are still learning.
Life is tough! But so are you. You have made it through so much already. You can take on whatever you are faced with.

You knew what you were getting into

Anyone who has ever heard "you knew what you were getting into" can probably attest that in most cases, that is not even close to being true. I think it's safe to say that no one ever truly knows what they are getting into. They might have a pretty good idea, but there are just so many variables in life that we can't ever really know how things are going to go.
I have felt that way getting married and becoming a stepmom. When it's hard and I feel like I'm drowning, most people in my life don't understand. No one has actually said those words, but what they have said has implied that that is indeed what they are thinking. "Why are you having such a hard time, it's not like you didn't know it was going to be this way?" "But that's pretty typical right?"
I'm sure I'm reading into things more than they are actually present. I think a lot of people are good about giving me grace. Realizing that I will figure it out and what I'm saying may have not been well thought out. I appreciate those people. I am figuring it out. Where my sisters in law have had 13+ years to ease into dealing with teenagers, I was thrown into the arena. While they have a mothers love for their children and love them in spite of their awfulness, I have kids who are someone else's' kids and while I love them, it is not a mothers love. Kuddos to the stepmom who truly is able to love a stepchild with a mothers' love. You are lucky.
No one prepared me for that. I had no idea it would be this way.
My friend who has 4 girls and is dealing with a very emotional house of hormones, with one being especially troublesome, would surely not agree with anyone who said, you knew what you were getting into when you decided to have kids.
You don't know if your third kid is going to have a disability. You don't know if your 2nd child is going to have a traumatic brain injury, or get cancer, or have some degree of mental illness. You don't know those things when you decide to have a family. You literally have no idea what you are getting into. And you wouldn't think of saying that to someone. At least I hope you wouldn't. So why do we say that to step-parents? We have no way of knowing that in a year the ex-wife is going to decide to move thousands of miles away. We have no way of knowing when the ex is going to let her crazy shine bright. We have no way of knowing that the teenager is going to end up hating us, just because. Just like a traditional family, there are so many things that could happen, so many things that can change in an instant. Why do we expect them to have a better handle on it, just because they knew there were kids involved to begin with?
I truly appreciate those people who don't pretend to understand, but who listen. Who sympathize. Who try to imagine what it might be like. I'd say the best example is my mom. I have only felt supported and loved by her. She is always, ALWAYS on my side. Even when I know I'm being ridiculous. She validates my feelings. She shares her experiences that might be applicable. She encourages me to keep trying, to look at it in the big picture, to think about other points of view.
So I say to you, it's okay you didn't know what you were getting into. Most people, in most situations, don't have a clue what's coming. They don't know how hard it will be. They don't know how they will react. We are all just doing the best we can, with what we've been given.

8 non-religious spiritual goals

We are in a weird place with our kids. They live with their non religious mom and anti religious step father. We are pretty religious people in our home. We are trying very hard not to push religion on them, since they've expressed they don't have an interest in it (12 and 15, not really surprising). We go to church every Sunday and I think they've resigned themselves to going, since they are rarely here so it's "not that bad" for one Sunday every so often.

Whether you're religious or not, your spiritual health is still very important. Here are 8 ideas for how to care for your spirit without religion. I think your spiritual health is directly linked to your mental health. Heaven knows mental illness is on the rise. While I don't think these will cure any illness you may or may not have, I do believe they will help you be happier and avoid some of the things that can contribute to declined mental health.

1. Write in your journal
2. Read or listen to uplifting literature
• Chicken soup for the soul
• TED talks
• Self help book or podcast (7 habits of highly effective teens)
3. Meditate
4. Learn a new coping skill and put it into practice
5. Put your phone in airplane mode every night at 10pm
6. Start a gratitude journal
7. Stay off social media one day a week
8. Make your bed every day (this is why you should)

Connection

This past week I've really come to see how much I need connection in my life. I've been feeling it for months, but wasn't able to put words to the feelings. I couldn't identify what I really needed. As I struggled with self doubt and feeling loneliness and really feel a sense of loss, it finally clicked. I need more connection in my life. I need to feel like I am lifting people around me and I need to feel them lifting me. I substituted at my old school last Friday and I really felt that loss. The loss of connection I had from my job. Cheering on my friends in their successes in their classrooms and having them do the same for me. Sitting at lunch and talking about our families or our students and really just feeling connected.
I thought this obsession with next summer with the kids was about screen time. I didn't want the kids to spend all summer on screens. Especially since we will be in our new house and they won't  be close to their friends they had when they lived here. I wanted to have options for them to not be bored, but not be on screens. But as I've pondered on my anxiety and what I really want from this blog, it's connection.
Of course I don't want the kids on screens all summer. Every other news post is about how screens are hurting our kids, but it wasn't just that. When I was really honest with myself, what I really want is a connection with my bonus kids. I want memories with them. I can't connect with them through video games. Even if I thought I could, I'm more of a Mario Kart girl, not a Fortnite or whatever similar type game they are playing. This list I've been working on is my attempt to find something where we can connect. Something where we can make memories.
Is it selfish of me to list things I'm interested in, instead of suffering through a round of Fortnite? I don't think so. I have come up with SO MANY ideas to choose from. Are all of them super appealing to me? No. But they are all things I'd be willing to try and I think it's so important for kids to be exposed to a wide variety of activities. Who knows what talents they will uncover!? Maybe they will find that they are actually really good at woodworking and they love it. Maybe they are naturally skilled at coding and all they needed was the opportunity to try.
Our brains are wired to seek out connection. Unfortunately many times we neglect that need or, because of circumstances, those needs just aren't met. Neuroscientist, Matthew Lieberman said, "We may not like the fact that we are wired such that our well-being depends on our connections with others, but the facts are the facts."

Our well-being DEPENDS on our connections. No wonder my well-being was on the fritz last week. If I can foster a little more connection in my family and other relationships and help you do the same, I will consider myself successful. Even if it's just one person making that one connection. The memories and connections we make help shape who we are and what we do in life. They bring us both joy and sadness. That connection brings us more than we could ever hope to buy or ever hope to find on a screen.

Breakthrough

This week has been rough. I have been anxious off and on all week. There have been a lot of tears. Last week we got a letter from the IRS telling us we owed them $56,000 dollars. 56 THOUSAND. That's a lot of money. We being the super rich people we are (insert sarcastic voice) don't just have 56,000 dollars chilling under the bed. *cue anxiety* I tried to pretend that everything would be fine. I didn't want to add to Bryan's stress and worry. I told him it would work out and everything would be okay, but inside I was running a ton of different scenarios through my head. I contacted my childhood friend whose husband is a CPA. I prayed, I searched the internet, I worried. Bryan met with his accountant Monday and it turns out they sent in everything and sometimes things just don't line up on their end. They are going to take care of everything and we owe the IRS nothing.

Unfortunately the anxiety didn't go away quite as quickly as the IRS problem. I've been agonizing over so many things. This blog being one of them. Another one being a big project I've been working on developing in my head. I am struggling to get things clear in my mind. I am desperate for connection. Like DESPERATE. I have had so much change in my life the last 18 months with a lot more in the immediate future. I wouldn't change where I am for anything, but I've lost a lot and I'm still processing it.
I went from the single life to married with 2 kids, to pregnant, to stay at home mom of a baby. Now we are moving. My bonus kids moved to Washington. I just haven't had much time to settle into any of my new things. The changes just keep coming.
I have recognized that some of the connection I wish would come is connection with Kylie and Ethan. I'll have to talk more about that in a different post.
At any rate all of this has been building and I just hit a breaking point this week. I would pray and try to get through it. Went running, but it just wasn't going away. I tried crying it out, but it was still there. I have just been FILLED with self doubt. Why would I try to do this big thing? It's not going to make a difference. No one cares what I have to say. It will just fail. These thoughts plagued me.  Bryan invited me to fast yesterday and I decided to take him up on his invitation even though I fasted last Sunday and I'm so glad I did.
As I sat in Sunday School listening to the comments, I got my answer. The answer to why I am feeling so much anxiety and self doubt. My breakthrough. I don't even remember what the teacher asked, but the comment that was made was exactly what I needed to hear. She said "I know God has something important for me to do when I feel Satan working hard on me. He fills me with self doubt and tries to discourage me. I know that I have to fight hard and do what God has called me to."
I had recognized it was Satan, but I hadn't been able to see WHY. These things I am trying to do. These projects I am working on ARE important. God has guided me to where I am and I need to move forward with confidence.
If you feel like you are being attacked, if you are filled with self doubt, if you are struggling, first of all know that you are not alone. Second reach out for support. It can be so hard to do. When you feel alone and anxious, and doubt yourself you don't want to burden others. That is Satan. He wants to isolate us. He wants us to think we are the only one who feels that way and that no one wants to hear our problems. That is simply not true. Reach out. Third (and maybe this should be first) turn to God. Talk with him and know that he has something amazing for you to accomplish. Something that will bless your life and the lives of others.
Fight hard and move forward with confidence.