Breakthrough

This week has been rough. I have been anxious off and on all week. There have been a lot of tears. Last week we got a letter from the IRS telling us we owed them $56,000 dollars. 56 THOUSAND. That's a lot of money. We being the super rich people we are (insert sarcastic voice) don't just have 56,000 dollars chilling under the bed. *cue anxiety* I tried to pretend that everything would be fine. I didn't want to add to Bryan's stress and worry. I told him it would work out and everything would be okay, but inside I was running a ton of different scenarios through my head. I contacted my childhood friend whose husband is a CPA. I prayed, I searched the internet, I worried. Bryan met with his accountant Monday and it turns out they sent in everything and sometimes things just don't line up on their end. They are going to take care of everything and we owe the IRS nothing.

Unfortunately the anxiety didn't go away quite as quickly as the IRS problem. I've been agonizing over so many things. This blog being one of them. Another one being a big project I've been working on developing in my head. I am struggling to get things clear in my mind. I am desperate for connection. Like DESPERATE. I have had so much change in my life the last 18 months with a lot more in the immediate future. I wouldn't change where I am for anything, but I've lost a lot and I'm still processing it.
I went from the single life to married with 2 kids, to pregnant, to stay at home mom of a baby. Now we are moving. My bonus kids moved to Washington. I just haven't had much time to settle into any of my new things. The changes just keep coming.
I have recognized that some of the connection I wish would come is connection with Kylie and Ethan. I'll have to talk more about that in a different post.
At any rate all of this has been building and I just hit a breaking point this week. I would pray and try to get through it. Went running, but it just wasn't going away. I tried crying it out, but it was still there. I have just been FILLED with self doubt. Why would I try to do this big thing? It's not going to make a difference. No one cares what I have to say. It will just fail. These thoughts plagued me.  Bryan invited me to fast yesterday and I decided to take him up on his invitation even though I fasted last Sunday and I'm so glad I did.
As I sat in Sunday School listening to the comments, I got my answer. The answer to why I am feeling so much anxiety and self doubt. My breakthrough. I don't even remember what the teacher asked, but the comment that was made was exactly what I needed to hear. She said "I know God has something important for me to do when I feel Satan working hard on me. He fills me with self doubt and tries to discourage me. I know that I have to fight hard and do what God has called me to."
I had recognized it was Satan, but I hadn't been able to see WHY. These things I am trying to do. These projects I am working on ARE important. God has guided me to where I am and I need to move forward with confidence.
If you feel like you are being attacked, if you are filled with self doubt, if you are struggling, first of all know that you are not alone. Second reach out for support. It can be so hard to do. When you feel alone and anxious, and doubt yourself you don't want to burden others. That is Satan. He wants to isolate us. He wants us to think we are the only one who feels that way and that no one wants to hear our problems. That is simply not true. Reach out. Third (and maybe this should be first) turn to God. Talk with him and know that he has something amazing for you to accomplish. Something that will bless your life and the lives of others.
Fight hard and move forward with confidence.